Thoughts
by Calamity42
Summary: You can put up as much of a front as you want, but you can never lie to yourself...


' _Stupid Caulfield, with her dumb smile and her dumb freckles, with her cute blue eyes…'_

These thoughts are getting ridiculous, what is going on with me? When did this start happening? There is no possible way I can like that fashion travesty. _'Even if it is a little cute."_ Goddamn it.

I should have never looked over at her in class today, that is when this all started. We were in class and I just had to look over at her as she was starting to doze off. I could see her eyes start to droop and she laid her head in her arms, It was one of the most adorable things I had ever seen. Even worse is that Taylor saw and she hassled me non-stop about it all day. So that leaves me here, grabbing a pillow and punching it, imagining it as Max's face, but even now I can hear her playing guitar across the hall and it sounds so _beautiful_ and she is so _talented_ I just want to strut across the hall and barge into her room and just do… _something!_

I always see her smiling and talking to Kate and everyone loves her, even Taylor and Courtney now, and she always gives people this look that just calms people down and says 'everything is okay' and all I want in my life is for her to give _me_ that look.

' _Who would ever want someone like me?'_

I hate this thought so much. I know it's true, who would ever want such an evil bitch like me? I just want to hold her and hug her and be with her so much it makes my fingers twitch and my teeth grind with my face turning red hot and I _know_ she will never be with me. She is perfect, she doesn't need makeup, she doesn't need to intimidate and bully people for them to respect her. She just has to _exist._ I would do anything to have just a miniscule chance to even become friends. But I know it will never happen. I can see it on her face, the way she always throws her beautiful eyes toward the ground when I walk past, the staring in the class, like i'm a deranged animal awaiting to be set free, the red cheeks which _has_ to be hatred towards me, why would she ever want anything to do with a monster like me?

" _I can't hold this in anymore."_

That is it. I can't be having these thoughts anymore, I can do this. I strut over across the hall and raise my hand about to knock on the door when it happens again. I can hear her playing her acoustic guitar and my hands become sweaty and I can almost _feel_ my skin go pale. Why am I even doing this? I already told myself she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me. She will never… she can't… I can't… I don't even realize i am crying till I hear the guitar playing stop and the door opening. She looks so beautiful and she is giving me a worried look with those _eyes_ and I am just crying harder knowing the fact that i've fucked this all up and she is going to tell me to go away and I can already imagine the door slamming in my face as i fall to my knees. But Max was always the better person, and gently tugs at my hand and takes me to her bed and we sit down and she is rubbing circles on my back and it feels so _good_ and I know I shouldn't but I crave the touch so badly, even if I don't deserve it. Before I can control myself i am jumping in her arms.

"W-What's wrong Victoria?" Max gasps as I jump in her arms and her voice is even adorable. I'm wiping my eyes with her shirt and I feel bad because it's really cute and i'm ruining it with my gross tears. I look up at her beautiful blue eyes and I can feel my heart thundering in my chest just at the mere sight of her and I can feel my cheeks go bright red with the position we are in, I don't think i've ever been this close to her.

"I-I'm sorry Max, I shouldn't have ever been mean to you, you are so great and i'm so mean and I was just so _jealous_ and you are so pretty and nice and…." Oh god it's just word vomit and her eyes are widening and she's turning red and that's not good back up, back up dammit!

"Sorry Max I just.. Sorry for bothering you i'll go... I don't.." I can't even finish a coherent sentence, god I am such a fucking mess how can I do this to myself? But before I can stand she grabs my hand and it's so _warm_ and it's all i've ever wanted.

"Victoria, what's wrong? You are acting so strange…" She says as she looks down at our hands, her face going red before letting go. Of course, why would she dare want to touch someone like me, it must have been horrible, touching someone like me when you are so beautiful.

"Why are you even letting me stay? You hate me, just like I hate you…" That last part was absolutely pitiful, even to my ears.

"What are you talking about Victoria? I don't hate you, I know how much better you've been after what happened with Kate, you pretend you are the same, but I know how much you've been looking out for her, how you secretly write messages on her slate, wishing her a good morning, and how much better you've been to other people. You are amazing Vic." Max says this to me while grabbing my hand again playing with my fingers and oh shit I hope she doesn't notice how sweaty my hands are. oh god is this a dream? How does she know this?

"Max…" What can I possibly say that would explain my state of euphoria right now? The person i've fallen in love with has said the nicest thing she has ever said to me. I'm trying to compose myself but it's so difficult when she is so close and I can feel her fingers playing with mine more when suddenly she finally wraps her fingers around mine and I can already feel the dorky smile attaching itself to my face and she giggles at me because of it. She's standing right in front of me now and I can see the little details in her blue eyes and I can count those beautiful freckles and I look down and I see those plump lips and I finally give in to that feeling that I've had contained in me that I couldn't hold in anymore and I dart forward and I kiss her. It's just a peck at the start but then she starts moving and _oh god_ she is putting her fingers into my blonde hair and deepening the kiss and this is the _best_. I've never felt so warm and safe in my entire life, so I grab her waist, and I never want to let go.


End file.
